My Liminal Brain
This writing comes out of one of my in-between moods. Every day I work hard to get my footing in my new life. I struggle to understand the fears that I have allowed to run my life for so long and then to process those feelings and move past them. After getting to each new layer of realization, I have to spend a few days deliberately not feeling guilt and shame. That woman, that old life is in the past and there’s no point in yelling at a shadow.
Always, I’m looking at new ways I can move forward. I plan to soon be brushing up on office skills and I work every day to improve my writing. Thinking of careers is something I haven’t done in a long time. It’s a new feeling. Another new experience for me was getting my own auto insurance and taking that burden off of Scott. I imagine there are plenty of readers out there giving themselves the old head-slap and “really?!” Just remember, I moved out of my parent’s home the day I married Scott. I’ve just ever done that stuff.
My pace these days is a cluster of forward moving actions followed by periods where I have to wait (!) for my next step. I act. I plan. I wait. I stand where I am, itching to get to the place I want to be. I’ve been listening to a lot of the music of Arcade Fire and am inspired at the idea of creating whole lives out of destruction and chaos. There’s a lot of hope for me in that theme.
This is what it’s like to be in my head these days, stops and starts, song snippets and fond thoughts of my dearest love.
With the exception of Wednesday’s post which I am pre-writing, all my posts for the next 9-10 days will be bits and oddments from my journals. They’ll be raw, barely edited thoughts I wished to see out in the open. They are from the last two months and may or may not reflect my feelings on the subject now.
Let me know what you think about them as I might try to flesh some of them out in later days. Have a lovely week, Shannon.
Friday-Go-Round #2
I stayed an extra day, ran errands with Scott and the girls, did some sad, did some awesome. I dropped Brigit off at work and spent some time shopping with Megan. Megan was the last person I saw in Rocklin and the first to greet me in the form of a letter waiting on my desk here in Geyserville. Now I am missing my loves, but glad to be snuggling into my own bed. I know, who’d have thought? It’s a surreal life.
Adding to the theme of detachment this week are some thoughts on two things I’ve disengaged from in the last few weeks.
Coffee: I have slowly weened myself down to one week cup in the morning, then finally made the jump to an herbal tea with cinnamon and ginger. It gave me the mildest of headaches the first day, then nothing but bliss. I enjoy not being dependent on coffee. I’m sure my inflammation has gone down that much more, along with my blood pressure, and I feel some hope for this shiny new crown in my mouth.
Television: Don’t let me get too preachy, because the internet has taken its place and when the shows I like come back in the fall, I’ll surely watch them on the network sites. This is more about choice and refining my choices. Online, I choose what I see. My Google reader, Bloglovin’, Facebook and Twitter accounts refer me to new content all the time that is usually aligned with what I want to put in my head. Yes, last night that was Animaniacs clips on You Tube, but again, my choice. By staying off the tv, I won’t find myself wound up in giving a crap about someone else’s drama. I’m protecting my heart these days.
Here are three pages that came across my readers this week that seem to fit my idea of detachment.
- Oleg Mokhov writes on the Think Simple Now site some super advise on How to Take Criticism.
- Kevin Beck of Transmillennial debates the existence of a thing called happiness, but beautifully offers Permission to Feel Happy.
- From the ever lovely Black Eiffel, we meet Jim Denevan and feast on his giant and impermantent sand drawings.
Happy Friday, all. Revel in your weekend!
The Three I’s to Getting Ahead of Change
Change is something that has resulted in floods of stress and fear in my life. It’s time to gain some control over what changes are going down and when change will happen. Do I think I’m gonna get control over my whole life and nothing unexpected will happen? Of course not, but it is time for me to add some imagination, invitation and intention to all the random change around me.
This week that I’ve spent with Scott and the girls has reminded me to pay attention to synchronicity in my life. So many times when we would make a choice to do the sensible thing, even if it was inconvenient, we felt rewarded by running into a person or picking up a piece of conversation that gave us insight into a question we were having. These little messages have validated choices we have made or are considering and were each very helpful.
The choices and changes I have to be making remind me of the saying, “If you want to make an omelette, you have to break a lot of eggs.” This omelette, this life I’m constructing is requiring many many eggs. Lots of breaking, but apparently I need the protein. When I am unaware, not paying attention, just skipping down the lane staring into the clouds, change sneaks up and hits hard. I want to try a new way of inviting the change that is best for me.
- Imagine. I am beginning to get an inkling of where I want to go now with my writing/blogging. In my journals I imagine a day in my future and the steps it might take to get there. I try to keep the vision as clear as possible and see as many details as I can.
- Invite. As I write, I look at that future me and I invite her to come up with ways we can connect. I invite the changes I would need to make in my life to arrive at the place where she is.
- Intend. Walking openly out into my day, I am ready for the coincidences that will point me toward change. I still may not know what’s coming at me, but I am prepared to meet it and move forward from there.
I see my life as I hope it unfolds, invite the changes that must come to create that life and intend to welcome those changes when they come.
It isn’t Like That
So how do I follow a week of audacity with all this talk of detachment? Isn’t it difficult to live passionately for something you are trying to care less about? Yes, that would be difficult, but detachment is actually a form of giving to others.
If I love you, I want you to live your fullest life and be your truest self. If I start piling up expectations on you that are about me, how you love me, how we appear together, then I am keeping you from your best. Of course it’s natural to want to be helpful to others and there’s no reason not to. There is a problem when our fussiness is a way to cover our own feelings of guilt, or when our desire to control a situation rises our of our own long-held fears.
This is a late, too late lesson learned for me, but I am working every day to get closer to that mark.
That being said, I want to look at my feelings about my trip to Rocklin.
To be in such close proximity to my husband is a blessing, though sometimes a difficult one. To stand behind the sofa with one hand on his shoulder is healing and the simple scent of his skin is intoxicating, but there are boundaries. To truly express my love for this man, I have to detach myself from my own desires enough to respect his boundaries.
Our daughters are absolute jewels and every minute with them is a gift from heaven. This separation is disruptive to them and they just want us to stop feeling sad, but I think they will be stronger people on the other side. I think we all will.
The actual legal separation is just a thing. All is does is remove the idea of community property from our marriage. As far as I’m concerned, that can stay that way. What is more difficult to detach from is the pain between us and the years of fighting. It’s difficult to detach from the fact that I do not sleep beside my love. I certainly do not want to care less. I certainly do wish to desire to control less.
Today is the last day of my visit. I’ll spend it with Scott settling the last details, visiting a notary public and finalizing the division of our assets. My first goal: no crying in public. My second goal: live this day like everyone ahead of me, in fully present appreciation and adoration of my husband and daughters. They are amazing, brave and strong. I’m proud to know them.
A woman I’d admire greatly will often encourage her Facebook friends to “love deeply.” And I do.
Detachment
I have been feeling emotional the last couple of days where I really haven’t been before. Chalk it up to forgetting my meds or skipping a meal or going a little further in yoga. Yoga can be a killer sometimes. There are parts of my body so locked up right now and yoga just brings a bunch of feelings out that I forgot were there.
There is also this visit I’m having with my family right now. I’m excited to see my girls, nervous over getting a crown put in my mouth, afraid to be hammering out details of this separation and sick to my stomach at the idea of being around Scott instead of being with him.
So I work hard to practice detachment. It’s basically the idea of letting go my talon grip on people or things (as well as my ideas of people or things) so they can be free to be what they are and I can be me. My life has so long been ruled by the things I want and the way I want them. It’s the story of all my fears and the way I become overly controlling as a way of easing those fears.
What does detachment look like? It means I would find my favorite coffee cup pleasing and useful, but be able to let it go without a thought if it fell and broke. I means if we are in love, we walk together and sit by side through life, but I do not try to influence your movements or see you only as how you benefit me.
When I focus on my goals, I work diligently at each task as it comes up, but let go of any certain outcome. I want to earn my money from this blog and my writing, and I am following each step leading me toward that, but I know that things may turn out differently. My work and writing could turn into something else that is beyond what I hoped. If I can only see one projected outcome, I’ve closed my mind to anything else.
How on earth does that work? That is still my question every day. For me, I meditate a lot. I sit for 20 minutes when I can, or work it into my walks or just before and after sleeping. I let my thoughts slip by until there is actually space between them. I breathe and whisper a mantra or intention or prayer in time with my breathing. Yoga also calms me and helps me find the quiet and an expanded vision of my own little thoughts. I seek first the kingdom. I let go and let God.
Do I have it down? Hardly, three months does not a master make. Is it helping? Tremendously. Two of my favorite mantras are, “I forgive you,” and “That is not mine.” I whisper them gently to any thoughts that comes up whether the thought is about Scott or an itchy toe. The thoughts get the point and shuffle away. The muscle builds and when I feel a moment of sadness or the old panic arise I calmly whisper to those feelings, “I forgive you. You are not mine.”
I feel stronger and I want to make better, healthier choices for myself. More on that Thursday. What I’d love to know is what keeps you grounded? Do you have a method that works for snapping you out of your frightened places? Please share in the comments.
One Month
I have lived for 1/12 of a year away from my husband, daughters, puppies, friends. I’ve transitioned from “Why is this happening to me?” to “You do what you need to do and I’ll do what I need to do.” Now, I’m doing it.
I have lived 1/12 of a year in a new town full of beautiful people and places. I just realized that I’ve been taking photos of my adventures all month, but never getting past uploading them. So here’s a little show and tell.
One of the first things I committed to was walking. It makes me feel more connected to myself and pulls back those tendrils of attachment that are always reaching into the past. Most of the walking surface here is highway with narrow shoulders but I found a circuit I like that’s a mile and a half. I walk it twice a day.
For years, my dad has played an open mic night at the Black Cat in Pengrove. I went along with him and had a great night. The bar will change ownership soon and the nights will be coming to and end, but I love the encouragement given by the owner, ”You’ve seen how this works and how to get people together to be subversive, go out and fuck shit up!”
My youngest daughter Brigit came to visit for a week. She is half of the duo of lovelies that keep me interested in breathing. In fact, I’m with them both today!
We went walkabout.
We shot guns.
We went to Fort Bragg.
Mom took me to Cloverdale to make sack lunches for the hungry.
Dad and I canoed Lake Sonoma.
And so now it’s August. More life, love, yoga, audacity and story to come.
Friday-Go-Round #1
Happy Friday to All!
This week has been a busy one for me and today is a day I can sit calmly at my desk and set some things straight. There are piles to sort, papers to file, and things to pack for my trip to Rocklin this weekend. (Yay!) While I’m at it, I want to share with you some sites that I found inspiring audacity boosters…
Jean Sarauer of Virgin Blogger Notes shares “9 Ways to Get Your Creative Groove Back” .
Erin Doland of The Unclutterer writes “Drifting away from mental clutter.”
Whenever there’s a list to be made, I work it out on TeuxDeux.
Have a great weekend. Be Audacious. Comment here and tell us about it.
Audacity and My Late Night Journal
From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Audacity: intrepid boldness, bold or arrogant disregard for normal restraints
Audacity is the answer to a call. There are songs in our souls that sing so loudly we couldn’t possibly ignore. Our songs sing of creation, the creation of ourselves and the action we need to take to become ourselves. The lyrics are simple and just for us, “You love yoga,” “Look at that landscape,” “We’ll flourish in that job,” “Here are some words. Write them down.” We listen or we don’t. When we listen and we screw up all our courage to move toward that call, we are audacious. Grain is gone against, streams are swam up, mountains are climbed – every one. Selves are become.
Intrepid: characterized by fearlessness, fortitude, and endurance
Audacity feels like a momentary spurt of energy, but it’s more. Audacity follows the road right up to the rock face and starts climbing. Audacity runs out of gas then gets out and walks. Words in our songs may be difficult to sing, but in our audacity we master them, every note and we belt them out to a world that may be indifferent. The lyrics point out where the tools are, just the right ones for the moment and no matter how heavy they are, in our intrepid audacity we pick them up.
Fortitude: strength of mind that enables a person to encounter danger or bear pain or adversity with courage.
Where else but in our audacity do we find the fortitude to deal with consequences of following our own path. Rewards aren’t immediate. There’s a lot of learning, wrong moves, unpopular choices, anger, fear, or blame we slog through to get to the place where our song comes from and even then we get little time for rest. When we get to the place where our song is sung, and we breathe in the sweet air of that completion, something new will begin to tickle our ears. O Audacious one, there is always another song!
My Conversation with the Universe #2
Me: Think of a number between one and ten.
U: Hi, it’s me, the Universe?
Me: Ok, I’m thinking of a number between one and ten.
U: Okay.
Me: And I’m adding two zeros to the end.
U: I can see where this is headed.
Me: I’d like that please, five twenties, four large.
U: Last week you demanded a whole person, this week it‘s a few bucks.
Me: I’ve taken quantum leaps with my pragmatism.
U: Asking the Universe for what you want, very hip, very now.
Me: Thank you. If that could manifest within the next couple days…
U: Okay, you just commence detaching from that need.
Me: I’m sorry?
U: You understand this kind of contract falls under the “let go and let God” heading.
Me: How do I detach from the thing I need the most?
U: I thought you read the material.
Me: Yeah.
U: Just move ahead believing. Aren’t you the expert on audacity?
Me: I just looked it up in the dictionary yesterday.
Five Steps to Get Your Life Back in the Groove
There you go down that same old road, trying to recapture your former glory days and you feel stuck. Nobody likes feeling spent and defeated, but the problem with focusing on the past is that we never look at the whole story of those times. We focus on how amazing things were when we felt at our peak and how crappy everything got when it all came down. A story has more than just a middle and an end, but we rarely remember the beginning.
People use the word “mojo,” but I’m not a fan. The term implies magic, and real power is in the work. I prefer a term like spunk, or even better, audacity. Our audacity is not a lost-glory-days feeling from the past. It isn’t something unattainable from the “way things used to be.” To find your feeling of audacity, you must skip the glorious past and go back to where it all began.
- Visualize the time you feel you have lost. What were you doing? How old were you? Who was around you? Look carefully in your mind at everything you had at your disposal. Where did it all come from? How did you obtain it? How did you get to that position in the first place?
- Look back to the beginning of that time and see the work you put into it. Odds are you didn’t march into that place and just “become fabulous.” Who did you help out? What were the hours, the practice drills, the mistakes you made? What did you give away, do without? How much did it cost?
- Write down the baby-steps you took to thrive in this place, the choices you are glad you made, the coincidences that propelled you forward. To get anywhere in life we start with the first thing we did, then the second, then the third. Get down on paper every little newbie step no matter how inconsequential it seems to you now, because it mattered enough then for you to have done it.
- Start at the beginning of your list. Try to do one thing you did then, adapted in the context of now. I know you can’t spend all day in the library card files, but I think Google will work nicely too. Make one change to your plan (even if that change is to make a plan). There, let that feeling sink in. Feel yourself moving forward. Write down the sensations of this act, and any emotion you felt in executing and completing it.
- Acknowledge the work you put into this. Fleetingly recall how stuck you were at the beginning of this experiment and that you are one step closer to fighting weight. Remember that you had to act to get here. Remember that this isn’t a one time shot or something that “just happened.”
Rebuilding confidence is a process moving outward from the inside. Ultimately we are what we have to draw on: personal knowledge, power, calm, connectedness. Audacity flows from what we put into our hearts and souls. If you feel like you lost it all and are completely drained, take lots of time to replenish yourself. Read everything you can get your hands on for your area of interest, even beginner books. Get out and walk or sit in nature to give yourself perspective and move more than just your brain. Beware of “information overload.” Slow and steady will win the race and soon get you back into that great old feeling of your own audacity.
Things are lovely...repeat as necessary. 