Things are lovely…repeat as necessary.

writing my heart out about living from our hearts

Leaving it in the Past

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I will be in various stages of vacation with Brigit and my folks from August 9 thru 20.  During that time, I will be in and out of the cellular and wifi world, mostly out of it.  What I have to offer for this time are excerpts from my journal.  They are posted in random order, not cleaned up too much and exist in varying stages of relevance to my actual situation.  I chose them because they contain interesting kernels I might flesh out later.  Please feel free to carry on the conversation without me and I’ll check in when I can.  From the heart, Shannon.

The hardest part of the whole process of this separation is the idea that I have to let go of my guilt.  In light of what has happened and where we are now, feeling guilty about it all day seems like the best think to do.  I don’t want to enjoy anything, because I want to feel miserable about the mess I caused.  I want to cry all day over my inability to fix this.  I want to scream and cry and beat myself up all day long because if x, y, or z, I could have stopped this big horrible thing that has caused so much pain to a lot of people.  Who the fuck am I to be happy when I’ve just rent to universe in two?

My choices have been ridiculous
.  My choices have been hurtful to the one I love the most.  I want to hate myself forever for this.  But of course, that’s not healthy or positive and it’s super self-centered and I am going to have to work out some sort of plan to get out of this.
I can be compassionate with myself.  I know nothing I did was malicious and that it was brought on by a tangle of fears and the same self-loathing I need to dig out of now.  Also, I know that feeling hateful with myself is not helping those I wish to benefit the most.  Scott doesn’t want my guilt, but he’d like his burden lifted.  Our girls don’t need a mopey depressed mom now, they need a model of how to move forward and thrive.  Those look like my marching orders.
But what about happiness, joy, inner peace?  How do I become a model for those things I just don’t feel?  Practice.  I’d rather be seen as someone actively seeking these things than one who has given up.  And what about the moment I’m most terrified about?  What if I accidentally become more happy that the ones I hurt?  I suppose I’ll just have to give myself permission to be who I am.  But dude, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.


Written by Shannon Udell

August 17, 2010 at 5:00 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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