Things are lovely…repeat as necessary.

writing my heart out about living from our hearts

Wearing My Big Girl Blogger Pants

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So, I went and got me me own web address.  I’ve moved the blog over there, now.  Yeah, this blogger has a gypsy heart, but this one should stick.  Go see, please!

http://thingsarelovely.com

I still have some image and link issues to iron out, but I am very happy with it.  I’d love you to tell me how you like it, too.

Over there…

Written by Shannon Udell

August 24, 2010 at 6:00 am

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More Writing About My Writing

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This is the last of my journally vacation posts.  It was supposed to publish last Friday, but it didn’t, so I’m putting it up for today.

More and more, this blog has become a workshop for me.  I want to work on, improve and showcase my writing.  These explorations are meant to encourage you, my reader and offer small helps if you wish to try this writing life.  This is my space to explore ideas of interest and rant a little about the hills and potholes in my life.  My story changes daily, so I don’t expect my blog to be static.  Readers will always find new roads to wander here.  Here is a stream of consciousness from my journal about my ideas for this blog.
I started writing again after a long period away.

The years that progressively darkened my marriage were also years where i would not write or journal.  If there’s a connection between self-expression and growth, and I can’t see how there isn’t, then I’m on board.  In the shock of separation, I had to start journalling just to capture my swirling thoughts, offer my mind someplace to rest.  My journals and this blog gave my a respite from the hurricane of real life.  This blog has been a place to

  • get my thoughts together, look around and make a mental and physical inventory.
  • to look around at this new life I have to live and decide who I am and what I belive.
  • build my reserves back, fill my soul again and grow stronger.
  • come up with some kind of road map to take action from.

Beneath this desire to write is the undercurrent of my dreams.  I want to build something sustainable here, a connection to the world and communication with like-minded travelers.  I want to make writing my business and use it to be closer to my family.  I want  to live by my own lights and have enough light to pass around.  I want to be happy and I want to prosper.  I want time and means to share with those I love most.  This is a time of planning, gathering information.  It is my hope that my strength will be renewed and will carry me through to a positive outcome.  This blog is here to share what I’ve learned.  This is the song my muses are singing.  I hope they are muses, I’m in no mood for sirens.

I get impatient when I’m left alone with my thoughts.  I feel the urge to push myself, but I know it’s too soon.  There’s more than financial success at stake, this is it, my chance to do something and make something.  I am learning to define love as more than a prescribed set of movements.  This is whole heart work.  The love  I make needs to be made now.  Maybe I’m judging myself too harshly, but I feel it’s necessary, I didn’t take action for so long, and action was taken for me.  I see my path clearly now like I never did before.  If I am to redeem the time at all, (and I have nothing but redemption on my mind,) this is where I feel it will happen.  I don’t know how else to put it, but there’s karma afoot here, for better or worse.

I am consciously wooing two hearts right now.  Everyday my heart calls out to the one I love, but I am also putting the moves on myself.  Learning to treat myself with love is new, but a relationship I am committed to and one I hope others will be interested in.  Each act of love is a seed planted.  Every lingering smile over kindness to yourself is water to the soil.  It can be a tightrope for someone who veers toward excesses, but learning to be kind to myself without falling into narcissism is a habit that will spawn other healthy trends in my life.  And can be a foundation to build the rest of my life on.

So welcome to the blog.  I have a lot to learn, and I have much to share.  I hope this will be a warm place of love and light where we can all talk and listen and hear and be heard.

Written by Shannon Udell

August 23, 2010 at 5:00 am

Posted in Uncategorized

My Conversation with the Universe #4

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I will be in various stages of vacation with Brigit and my folks from August 9 thru 20.  During that time, I will be in and out of the cellular and wifi world, mostly out of it.  What I have to offer for this time are excerpts from my journal.  They are posted in random order, not cleaned up too much and exist in varying stages of relevance to my actual situation.  I chose them because they contain interesting kernels I might flesh out later.  Please feel free to carry on the conversation without me and I’ll check in when I can.  From the heart, Shannon.

Me:  I think it’s time we had a change.
U:  Will you please repeat that?
Me:  Change, I need change.
U:  Never would have imagined those words coming out of your…
Me:  Ok, well I’m saying it.  I never wanted this at all, but the ball is rolling; let’s make a life.
U:  So your asking.
Me:  I’m manifesting, like we did with the money.  And thanks.
U:  You’re welcome.  You are detached from any outcome?
Me:  Well, I’m rooting for success, but sure.
U:  Then you gotta work from the idea that you already are.
Me:  Working?
U:  A success.
Me:  Um.
U:  Um, yeah, because you just want to talk about how you’re this big failure, blah, blah.
Me:  Well…
U:  Yeah, Marriage in a Coma; I know, it’s serious…  Time to turn around and look forward.
Me:  I take it you are getting tired of the story.
U:  And the way you limit yourself.  If you lable yourself as the woman who did this…
Me:  I’m not going to get far, I dig that.
U:  So, is that cycle over?
Me:  Yeah, I’m still sad.
U:  Oh, sad you can keep as long as you seek new feelings to come along side it.
Me:  Successful feelings.
U: Ready to begin?
Me:  As soon as I get that song out of my head.

Written by Shannon Udell

August 19, 2010 at 5:00 am

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Tell Me There’s A Path

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I will be in various stages of vacation with Brigit and my folks from August 9 thru 20.  During that time, I will be in and out of the cellular and wifi world, mostly out of it.  What I have to offer for this time are excerpts from my journal.  They are posted in random order, not cleaned up too much and exist in varying stages of relevance to my actual situation.  I chose them because they contain interesting kernels I might flesh out later.  Please feel free to carry on the conversation without me and I’ll check in when I can.  From the heart, Shannon.

Figuring out who I am has got to be the oddest journey I have been on yet.  At a time when most of my friends have rocked their careers into shape for their mid-life, I am just poking my head out of the gopher hole.  You know the naked in a dream feeling?  That’s how I feel all day long.  It is an interesting place to be at my age, because I do have the benefit of 20 some odd years of refining my tastes and knowing my strengths and yucky places.  I’m a little more  immune to impulses.  I’m too old and slow to catch any bandwagon that might come near me anyway.
So, who is Shannon? What does she do for a living?  What does she like to do in her spare time?  What kind of clothes does she wear?  What music does she listen to, books does she read?  Does she do anything besides sit at that computer all day?
This is going to be a matter of listening to my soul.  It’s going to require awareness on my part and so critical thinking.  I’m going to have to pay attention to the people I meet and listen to what they have to say.  I am going to definitely remember where I am from, and stay grounded in the friendships that are most important to me.


I’m tuning in
, showing up, staying awake as I find my way along here.  My way and my timing and my style is evolving and will show me soon enough who this new Shannon is going to be.

Written by Shannon Udell

August 18, 2010 at 5:00 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Leaving it in the Past

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I will be in various stages of vacation with Brigit and my folks from August 9 thru 20.  During that time, I will be in and out of the cellular and wifi world, mostly out of it.  What I have to offer for this time are excerpts from my journal.  They are posted in random order, not cleaned up too much and exist in varying stages of relevance to my actual situation.  I chose them because they contain interesting kernels I might flesh out later.  Please feel free to carry on the conversation without me and I’ll check in when I can.  From the heart, Shannon.

The hardest part of the whole process of this separation is the idea that I have to let go of my guilt.  In light of what has happened and where we are now, feeling guilty about it all day seems like the best think to do.  I don’t want to enjoy anything, because I want to feel miserable about the mess I caused.  I want to cry all day over my inability to fix this.  I want to scream and cry and beat myself up all day long because if x, y, or z, I could have stopped this big horrible thing that has caused so much pain to a lot of people.  Who the fuck am I to be happy when I’ve just rent to universe in two?


My choices have been ridiculous
.  My choices have been hurtful to the one I love the most.  I want to hate myself forever for this.  But of course, that’s not healthy or positive and it’s super self-centered and I am going to have to work out some sort of plan to get out of this.
I can be compassionate with myself.  I know nothing I did was malicious and that it was brought on by a tangle of fears and the same self-loathing I need to dig out of now.  Also, I know that feeling hateful with myself is not helping those I wish to benefit the most.  Scott doesn’t want my guilt, but he’d like his burden lifted.  Our girls don’t need a mopey depressed mom now, they need a model of how to move forward and thrive.  Those look like my marching orders.
But what about happiness, joy, inner peace?  How do I become a model for those things I just don’t feel?  Practice.  I’d rather be seen as someone actively seeking these things than one who has given up.  And what about the moment I’m most terrified about?  What if I accidentally become more happy that the ones I hurt?  I suppose I’ll just have to give myself permission to be who I am.  But dude, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Written by Shannon Udell

August 17, 2010 at 5:00 am

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I’m the Writer Here

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I will be in various stages of vacation with Brigit and my folks from August 9 thru 20.  During that time, I will be in and out of the cellular and wifi world, mostly out of it.  What I have to offer for this time are excerpts from my journal.  They are posted in random order, not cleaned up too much and exist in varying stages of relevance to my actual situation.  I chose them because they contain interesting kernels I might flesh out later.  Please feel free to carry on the conversation without me and I’ll check in when I can.  From the heart, Shannon.

When I’m writing I’m often scribbling down my train of thought as quickly as possible before it passes through.  Often I am trying to capture a feeling just right and completely miss the mark with my words.  On a second reading, I reconsider what I’ve written, cross it out and clarify my meaning.  Sometimes I’ll do this over and over until I get it the way I believe it should be.


How interesting
that I’ll give myself this leeway in the way I create my work, and not in the way I create my life.  Convictions I’ve held in the past haunt me viciously in the present.  Even if I give lip service to a certain set of values, guilt floods my heart for rejecting other values.  I envy folks who can say, “Okay this is it,” and be done with it.  Their ability to detach from the past is something I work hard to achieve.  It usually takes a monumental amount of talking to myself.
First I have to get myself out of the right/wrong mentality.  I am often accused of being black or white in my decision-making process.  The social construct monkeys sell the two-option-only approach because it seems like the simplest way to go about things, when in fact it is a trap.  It is one of those narrow corridors from a suspense movie that bounce you back and forth between two dark walls as it becomes more and more closed in.  In writing I can say that I tried something, but that didn’t work, so now I’m choosing something else.  This must be my attitude in life.
I am the author here. I write the lines for this life.  God lays my choices out before me and I must follow my heart.  If I find something is not working out, I can always choose again.  I may not have the same options as earlier, but I always have a choice.  There need not be any place of judgement, only my center, my soul, a breath, and the next choice.

Written by Shannon Udell

August 16, 2010 at 5:00 am

Posted in Uncategorized

The Soul Waits

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I will be in various stages of vacation with Brigit and my folks from August 9 thru 20.  During that time, I will be in and out of the cellular and wifi world, mostly out of it.  What I have to offer for this time are excerpts from my journal.  They are posted in random order, not cleaned up too much and exist in varying stages of relevance to my actual situation.  I chose them because they contain interesting kernels I might flesh out later.  Please feel free to carry on the conversation without me and I’ll check in when I can.  From the heart, Shannon.

I am a helper, a fixer, a mom.  If there is a problem holding up someone I love, my first impulse is to jump in and get it worked out.  “Why not take care of this if it’s right in front of us?”  Maybe I get to be kind of a bully about it sometimes.  Maybe it comes from inside, from the social construct monkeys who love to tell be that if I have left any stone unturned that I have grievously failed.  Possibly I’m a junkie for hearing how awesome I am for fixing things.  “What would we do without Shannon!”  That’s a heady narcotic.  Over time it has become clear to me that if I just muscle my way through a problem, it will all be ok.

Until it isn’t okay.  Then I realize I’m pushing.  Then I realize that my solutions aren’t always what needed to happen.  Someone has to tell me I’m not the universal lid to ever pot.  Shoot.  I become attached, emotionally tied to the outcome.  Everyone’s problems are all of a sudden about me.  I don’t need that stress.  The others don’t need to carry their load and mine.  It’s time to remember to detach.

Wounds heal in nature’s time.  Crops produce when the season is right.  It is the disquiet in my own soul that I need to worry about.  When I’m making noise about everyone else, what am I shouting over in my own heart.  It is time to quiet, to breathe.  It is time to move slowly and sip cool water.  What I learn when I stop fussing is that I have a problem I don’t want to face.  Worse, sometimes it’s because someone I love if asking me for help I don’t feel I can provide.

The pain spurs me into a flurry of action, but it should be a reminder to quiet down and listen.  My soul is speaking to me and offering me a beautiful chance to grow.  My soul is waiting for my “Yes.”

Written by Shannon Udell

August 13, 2010 at 5:00 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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