Things are lovely…repeat as necessary.

writing my heart out about living from our hearts

The Soul Waits

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I will be in various stages of vacation with Brigit and my folks from August 9 thru 20.  During that time, I will be in and out of the cellular and wifi world, mostly out of it.  What I have to offer for this time are excerpts from my journal.  They are posted in random order, not cleaned up too much and exist in varying stages of relevance to my actual situation.  I chose them because they contain interesting kernels I might flesh out later.  Please feel free to carry on the conversation without me and I’ll check in when I can.  From the heart, Shannon.

I am a helper, a fixer, a mom.  If there is a problem holding up someone I love, my first impulse is to jump in and get it worked out.  “Why not take care of this if it’s right in front of us?”  Maybe I get to be kind of a bully about it sometimes.  Maybe it comes from inside, from the social construct monkeys who love to tell be that if I have left any stone unturned that I have grievously failed.  Possibly I’m a junkie for hearing how awesome I am for fixing things.  “What would we do without Shannon!”  That’s a heady narcotic.  Over time it has become clear to me that if I just muscle my way through a problem, it will all be ok.

Until it isn’t okay.  Then I realize I’m pushing.  Then I realize that my solutions aren’t always what needed to happen.  Someone has to tell me I’m not the universal lid to ever pot.  Shoot.  I become attached, emotionally tied to the outcome.  Everyone’s problems are all of a sudden about me.  I don’t need that stress.  The others don’t need to carry their load and mine.  It’s time to remember to detach.

Wounds heal in nature’s time.  Crops produce when the season is right.  It is the disquiet in my own soul that I need to worry about.  When I’m making noise about everyone else, what am I shouting over in my own heart.  It is time to quiet, to breathe.  It is time to move slowly and sip cool water.  What I learn when I stop fussing is that I have a problem I don’t want to face.  Worse, sometimes it’s because someone I love if asking me for help I don’t feel I can provide.

The pain spurs me into a flurry of action, but it should be a reminder to quiet down and listen.  My soul is speaking to me and offering me a beautiful chance to grow.  My soul is waiting for my “Yes.”


Written by Shannon Udell

August 13, 2010 at 5:00 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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