Things are lovely…repeat as necessary.

writing my heart out about living from our hearts

It isn’t Like That

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So how do I follow a week of audacity with all this talk of detachment?  Isn’t it difficult to live passionately for something you are trying to care less about?  Yes, that would be difficult, but detachment is actually a form of giving to others.

If I love you, I want you to live your fullest life and be your truest self.  If I start piling up expectations on you that are about me, how you love me, how we appear together, then I am keeping you from your best.  Of course it’s natural to want to be helpful to others and there’s no reason not to.  There is a problem when our fussiness is a way to cover our own feelings of guilt, or when our desire to control a situation rises our of our own long-held fears.

This is a late, too late lesson learned for me, but I am working every day to get closer to that mark.

That being said, I want to look at my feelings about my trip to Rocklin.

To be in such close proximity to my husband is a blessing, though sometimes a difficult one.  To stand behind the sofa with one hand on his shoulder is healing and the simple scent of his skin is intoxicating, but there are boundaries.  To truly express my love for this man, I have to detach myself from my own desires enough to respect his boundaries.

Our daughters are absolute jewels and every minute with them is a gift from heaven.  This separation is disruptive to them and they just want us to stop feeling sad, but I think they will be stronger people on the other side.  I think we all will.

The actual legal separation is just a thing.  All is does is remove the idea of community property from our marriage.  As far as I’m concerned, that can stay that way.  What is more difficult to detach from is the pain between us and the years of fighting.  It’s difficult to detach from the fact that I do not sleep beside my love.  I certainly do not want to care less.  I certainly do wish to desire to control less.

Today is the last day of my visit.  I’ll spend it with Scott settling the last details, visiting a notary public and finalizing the division of our assets.  My first goal: no crying in public.  My second goal: live this day like everyone ahead of me, in fully present appreciation and adoration of my husband and daughters.  They are amazing, brave and strong.  I’m proud to know them.

A woman I’d admire greatly will often encourage her Facebook friends to “love deeply.”  And I do.

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Written by Shannon Udell

August 4, 2010 at 5:00 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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