Things are lovely…repeat as necessary.

writing my heart out about living from our hearts

I’m the Writer Here

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I will be in various stages of vacation with Brigit and my folks from August 9 thru 20.  During that time, I will be in and out of the cellular and wifi world, mostly out of it.  What I have to offer for this time are excerpts from my journal.  They are posted in random order, not cleaned up too much and exist in varying stages of relevance to my actual situation.  I chose them because they contain interesting kernels I might flesh out later.  Please feel free to carry on the conversation without me and I’ll check in when I can.  From the heart, Shannon.

When I’m writing I’m often scribbling down my train of thought as quickly as possible before it passes through.  Often I am trying to capture a feeling just right and completely miss the mark with my words.  On a second reading, I reconsider what I’ve written, cross it out and clarify my meaning.  Sometimes I’ll do this over and over until I get it the way I believe it should be.

How interesting
that I’ll give myself this leeway in the way I create my work, and not in the way I create my life.  Convictions I’ve held in the past haunt me viciously in the present.  Even if I give lip service to a certain set of values, guilt floods my heart for rejecting other values.  I envy folks who can say, “Okay this is it,” and be done with it.  Their ability to detach from the past is something I work hard to achieve.  It usually takes a monumental amount of talking to myself.
First I have to get myself out of the right/wrong mentality.  I am often accused of being black or white in my decision-making process.  The social construct monkeys sell the two-option-only approach because it seems like the simplest way to go about things, when in fact it is a trap.  It is one of those narrow corridors from a suspense movie that bounce you back and forth between two dark walls as it becomes more and more closed in.  In writing I can say that I tried something, but that didn’t work, so now I’m choosing something else.  This must be my attitude in life.
I am the author here. I write the lines for this life.  God lays my choices out before me and I must follow my heart.  If I find something is not working out, I can always choose again.  I may not have the same options as earlier, but I always have a choice.  There need not be any place of judgement, only my center, my soul, a breath, and the next choice.


Written by Shannon Udell

August 16, 2010 at 5:00 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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