Things are lovely…repeat as necessary.

writing my heart out about living from our hearts

The Boogeymen and the Truth

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I will be in various stages of vacation with Brigit and my folks from August 9 thru 20.  During that time, I will be in and out of the cellular and wifi world, mostly out of it.  What I have to offer for this time are excerpts from my journal.  They are posted in random order, not cleaned up too much and exist in varying stages of relevance to my actual situation.  I chose them because they contain interesting kernels I might flesh out later.  Please feel free to carry on the conversation without me and I’ll check in when I can.  From the heart, Shannon.

Too many years I allowed myself to react to every present situation in ways that would protect me from boogeyman ghosts surviving from my past.  Yes, I put on a super game face and even had glorious moments of audacity, but it would all crash down the moment those boogeymen crept in.  I thought they defined me.  I thought they were real.  Flailing blindly through the present, living completely in the past, terrified of being exposed as a fraud in the future.  It was the most ridiculous tightrope act in the world.

Just in time, just in time, my soul woke me up.  It was a painful awakening and I am always tempted to say too late, but it wasn’t.  It was just in time, because it is never too late to live authentically.  It’s never too late to look at yourself and the shit-storm around you and begin to bring truth into the situation.  It’s never too late to call yourself out of hiding.

I think everybody hides behind something at some point in their lives.  Usually it is the masks we wear.  I have hidden behind Angry Child, Preppy Kid, Deadhead, and Suburban Know-it-all.  Maybe nobody saw Frightened One, or The One Who Just Didn’t Get It even though that was the real me.  My roles in life always came tailor-made with reasons why I didn’t need to take the actions I was most afraid to, so they rarely came up.  But sooner or later they came up.

Fears can rise up with such violence and nobody has a clue what is happening to the frightened one.  Panic attacks or forced arguments build further walls around these fears and it just gets uglier and uglier.  Then, eventually it comes to a head, it boils over, everything goes upside down and somewhere in there, the soul wakes up.  I hope.  I believe there’s always the chance for that.

I believe the soul has truth for you about who you are and where you’ve been and that you are actually headed somewhere.  The soul carries the truth that it’s going to be alright.  When you listen to your soul, you learn that there are things you truly want and they are far different from the roles you’ve been chasing.  Hold your truth in your hand like a map, like a key and it will show you your next step, and unlock the next.  As you learn to listen to your soul and trust it you will become more creative, less defensive and more and more who we are.

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Written by Shannon Udell

August 12, 2010 at 5:00 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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