Things are lovely…repeat as necessary.

writing my heart out about living from our hearts

Five Steps Out of the Past and into the Now

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“Take the time to find out why it’s so hard for you to be happy.  Find a way to be happy.”  These are the sad parting words from the guy who just had to break my heart in order to save his own.  So now I search.  I look at my past, and my present.  I read the words of sages and others going through what I am.  I find a nugget of reality, truth, something that has been blocking me for years and making it so easy to lash out at the one I love.

Breakthroughs are good, right? They continue the healing process.  It’s usually something small that as escalated into something huge, and yay, I’ve found it.

So why couldn’t I have found it 10 years ago, 5 years ago, hell, 5 months ago when I could have used it to keep my family together?  Isn’t that the zillion dollar question?

Stuck in the past, even if that past is only a couple of months ago, is no place to be.  The first step in creating change is to get to the only place where change can be made, the present.  Here is my plan for getting into the moment and creating lasting positive change.

  • Remember that all you have to work with is right now.  You can observe the past and forgive your actions or those of others, then let that go and focus on right now.
  • Own up to how you are feeling right now and try to discover the thinking behind it.  Are you allowing yourself to feel what you need to, or are you adding extra shame to the mix by trying to judge too harshly?
  • Face the reality or fiction in what you are saying to myself.  My biggest fiction right now seems to be “if only.”  It’s a lie I use to beat myself up with every day, and a lie that won’t solve one of my problems.
  • Choose a small action to take that moves you closer to your goals.  Try asking yourself “what do I want?” and think backwards to one simple choice.
  • Make your decision or complete your action and allow yourself to feel good about it.  Remember how that feels.

Today I was dealing with the fact that I have never really owned my authority and want to gain all my approval from others.  It has completely sabotaged my relationships, and obviously my marriage and all I wanted to do with this revelation was completely beat myself up.  Here’s how I was able to move forward.

1.  Ok, this really hurts, but I can’t go back in time. I can forgive myself for not knowing before. This is very helpful insight to have, and I can also use it to be a greater me now.

2.  “If only I had known this before everything fell apart…”  I’m sad and I’m blaming myself and wishing I could seek approval for what I have discovered.  I’m also scared, because in the past, I could not allow a mistake or seeming imperfection.  If I admit that I messed the past up, who’ll trust me with a future?

3.   “If only” is poison when turned toward the past.  My sadness is real but it shouldn’t rule my future.  I have this new knowledge now and it is time to use it.

4.   I want to step out of the fear I have been encased in and build this blog about writing and confidence and personal authority and self-love.  I’ll spend some time today organizing this page to better reflect that.

5. This feels positive.  I feel like I can do it and that I have something to offer.  I want to sit with this contentment for a while and then act.

Note: I am cleaning up this poor blog that has been the repository for so much disparate writing.  Bear with me because it’s headed somewhere really good.  I’d love your feedback on my ideas.

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Written by Shannon Udell

July 13, 2010 at 8:49 am

Posted in Uncategorized

One Response

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  1. […] it up and moving forward with it.  I just posted an article there about moving forward called, Five Steps Out of the Past and into the Now. And I’m steppin’ !  I’m steppin’! Filed under Uncategorized ← […]


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