Things are lovely…repeat as necessary.

writing my heart out about living from our hearts

The One Who Left

with 3 comments

Blame is such a tricky drug to play with.  It’s a cheap easy fix when I’m feeling way below the line, but it comes with a price.  Obviously, it does nothing to bring light or love or connection or expansion to the person I point my finger at.  Blame also has a way of pointing my own finger back at me.

Every mom wants to think of herself as the “good mom.”  We love our children madly and when media or society or the construct monkeys make us feel less that the other moms, we panic and grab any scapegoat we can.  Somewhere surely we can find a bad mom to divert attention.

For me it was always those moms who left.  The ones who got tired or lost or wistful for a youth they lost and just up and left.  They left their kids.  I mean who does that?

Me.

I have maybe one year before my girls finish their time in the nuclear family zone and go about their beautiful ways.  One will go off to college, the other is still choosing her path.  I’ll see darn little of that year because I left.  Yes, I can say that I had few options.  We have separated and I can’t support them, but my choice is far away from anything we recognize as home.  I left.

And overnight I have mad empathy for those women, for women like me, for women, for people who have to make the unpopular choices.  All we see is action, we don’t know what’s in the heart.  Blame masks the fear of the unknown, the terror that bad fortune could be catching. Blame roots down in the dark places we won’t examine and are afraid to show.

I want to give light to a bit of it.  How am I a mommy 100 miles from people I’ve snuggled every night for 17, 19 years?  I have to believe that even distant, I have plenty to offer.  Even now I am giving them the gift of a dad who isn’t fighting with mom all the time.  Not-fighting-Dad is a terrific guy.  They’ll dig him.

We’re totally making this up.  It is very new terrain for us and we’ll trudge right through it our of necessity and love.  The construct monkeys are aghast.  My babies love me right on back.

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Written by Shannon Udell

July 5, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

3 Responses

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  1. I love you for making hard choices and sharing them with us. There is no doubt in my mind that your girls are the stars in your eyes and that you are theirs. You wouldn’t have been able to make the hard choices if that wasn’t so.

    Xoxo

    Claire

    July 5, 2010 at 6:16 pm

  2. You are right Claire, it’s love from my family and from friends like you that keep me standing upright every day!

    Shannon Udell

    July 6, 2010 at 3:34 am

  3. Hey Shannon, you didn’t leave! Your just dealing with the choices that you had and trying to make the best of it for you and your family. I’m so sorry and my prayers are for you and them. Mary

    Mary Miller

    July 7, 2010 at 6:17 pm


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