Things are lovely…repeat as necessary.

writing my heart out about living from our hearts

Assume There Are Finish Lines

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Independence is a slippery slope.  One of the main points of this separation is learning to be independent.  Right now that means getting to the point where I can get a job where I can work a whole shift through without crying.  Then I need to pay for things: my phone, car insurance, medical.  Eventually it will mean place of my own and the financial obligations that follow.  Mostly, it’s going to mean being brave every day.  It’s going to mean being alone and not wanting to scream.

These are my first few days away from Scott and already it makes no sense.  I have stood up two or three times already to go ask him something or tell him something I just learned.  It’s crushing.  I actually have to do this, I actually have to function without touching his arm or smelling his skin.  And there’s no comfort, none that really helps except to force myself to be present where I am and feel what I’m feeling and count each moment as the passing of the time that will heal this.

My climb toward independence is going to hang on learning to accept myself as “enough,” as “good enough.”  For what?  For anything. And it’s not about my past, it’s about how I define my future.  It’s not about something you can say to me, it’s about what I say to myself.  It’s about what I learn about what good enough looks like.

For instance, just now the little social construct monkeys that live in my head started nagging that this post isn’t very funny and that nobody is going to bookmark a blog that doesn’t make them laugh.  Really, because maybe my pain and process would be more believable with a couple of knee-slappers incorporated.  Those dumb monkeys can’t give me a little time to get on my feet here?  I know my readers, I know you at least well enough to trust you’ll meet me where I am for a couple days.  You know I’ll be out yucking it up sooner or later.  And look, a crazy lady yelling at monkeys in her head is pretty funny anyway, so there we are.

Do you find yourself redoing a task to get it just right or shirking a job all together because you know you are never going to do it the way you like?  That seems to be everything I do and I am at a point where I need to define my finish lines that tell me where good enough is.  When I ran track in school, races weren’t these open, free form events.  Coach never said, get out there and run until you get it perfect.  The finish lines were well marked.  Running beyond them made no difference to your race.  You pretty much had to stop when you got there.

So what does the finish line look like for this?  Today’s markers will be: I sat present with my feelings, I wrote more for the blog, I did not cave and call Scott just to cry at him, I did something caring for myself, I helped my folks get closer to recovering their home from the chaos of my arrival.  Tomorrow’s markers will probably be the same, but maybe in a few weeks, my finish lines will change.  And I’ll show up, I’ll run, and I’ll out run the monkeys.


Written by Shannon Udell

July 4, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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