Things are lovely…repeat as necessary.

writing my heart out about living from our hearts

To Own My Understanding

with one comment

Inner-work has taken a back seat to the outer work of packing, moving and cleaning out our house.  Today we meet with our land-peeps  and we will be done with that chapter of this separation.  Through this process, we have worn ourselves down to a nub with exhaustion and our emotions become raw and edgy.  I get pushed up against the idea of having to go and I become clingy.  Yes, I am grieving a lot of things here, but I get tired and use that grief to hide behind and as an excuse to wallow in feelings of rejection, fear, and worthlessness.  I let anger in where it has no business, because I am not angry.

When I stop and check myself, I don’t have any feelings of anger.  What began as a horrible ending between Scott and me has been healed some.  We are owning up to our responsibilities and we are forgiving each other for many things.  That forgiveness feels lovely.  There is a lightness and joy in each of us that we haven’t had in a while.  We can talk to each other, we can be playful, and we can carefully point out to one another hurtful words and actions.  Sometimes it is easy.  Sometimes it is like tip-toeing through a bramble.  It is working.  Still, neither of us believe we are going to fix this without some space, and still the separation looms.

I use the word “looms” because that is where my feelings are on this.  Friday seems to me like this horrible sadness-monster that is going to swallow me and never let me out.  Just typing this leaves me teary with dread and my stomach churning.  Right now I want to lash out and say awful things, anything to not be the only person that feels this low.  Luckily, I’m the only person home right now and I can take some time to turn this around.

The question here is how can I turn this leaving, this husband and children nowhere in sight into an expression of love and contentment?  How do I bring the feelings of forward movement and healing and creation that I feel in the back of my mind up front?  First, I think I need to address the idea that these are ok feelings to have.  The dumb little social construct monkeys in my head say that a mom who leaves is the real monster, that I am just the rejected wife and the only valid feelings to have are shame and guilt and the desire to be swallowed up by the ground.  Those monkeys have got to go.

Here’s a scenario from my morning.  I was cutting up the rest of a watermelon into little chunks for Scott to grab whenever he likes.  It’s one of the little things I love doing for him and will greatly miss doing.  At that moment, one of those dumb-monkeys popped up and tried to make my reverie into a grief-fest and a wallow-wallow-pity-party, except that I was able to look at that moment critically and think clearly this time.  I thought, “Hmmm, while I am away, the little things I do for myself will be my expressions of love for my family.  Every moment of interior work, every step toward my goal of independence, every gracefully met failure will be lovingly crafted for myself, but also in creation of a healthy family dynamic and a happy mom.  They are gifts of love.”

That thought turned the whole moment on its ear.  Instead of self-pity, I felt a little sadness that was warmed by love and contentment.  I feel positive about what I am doing.  I don’t want to use the term affirmation, but that’s what just happened and my goal now is to build on it so that when I do get into the car, I am acting positively and driving toward something new and good.


Written by Shannon Udell

June 30, 2010 at 10:28 am

Posted in living

Tagged with , , , ,

One Response

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  1. […] instance, just now the little social construct monkeys that live in my head started nagging that this post isn’t very funny and that nobody is going to bookmark a blog that […]

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