Things are lovely…repeat as necessary.

writing my heart out about living from our hearts

Heart Trouble, Maybe the Final Pun

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My husband and I are separating.  There’s no eloquent way to announce it.  I’ve spent a lot of years hating myself and letting it show as anger toward him.  A guy can only take so much and while I very much know that it takes two in these situations, I take full responsibility for my mess.  That is why we are separating.  He gets the oxymoronic lifestyle of room-to-breathe and home-full-of-our-teenage-girls.  I am going to face my demons and learn to grow up by moving in with my folks.  We do what we do.  We get space to figure out who we are.  Our youngest nailed us in one of our family talks with the fact that we have been stuck in these habits and assigned roles that we haven’t been able to break out of.  Who knows what’s under all that!

So, what does home look like right now?  Boxes, as they pack for an apartment in town and I try to sort what to give away and take along and leave with them.  I am terrified to see how close to hoarding I have come, as if these things could equal real life.  As I’ve thrown away school papers, used coloring books, stained blouses, I have taken such a weight off of my self.  I see the rest of my family doing the same.

Scott and I talk, a lot.  We have talked about real, important stuff without fighting more in the last week than we have in ten years.  Each of us exists in this liminal state where he makes sure my phone is working and I fold his laundry and we are achingly courteous to one another.  Each of us finally can see a bit of how the other feels inside.  Each of us wants the other to be better, to be happy, but that ain’t gonna happen with the two of us under one roof.  Every day we move closer to the day where I get in my car and go.  How the hell do I do this, pull away from my daughters, my dogs, my love?  I guess we will all learn as we go.


Written by Shannon Udell

June 10, 2010 at 6:13 am

Posted in living

Tagged with , , , , , , , ,

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